- A study of 161 gay male couples found significantly higher sexual jealousy among men in monogamous relationships than among those in other relationship arrangements.
- Sexual satisfaction, sexual communication and frequency of sex did not significantly differ across the four relationship categories examined.
- In the study, 52.8% of couples were monogamous, 13.0% open, 14.9% monogamish and 19.3% had discrepant agreements.
- A separate survey of 772 gay men linked satisfaction with sexual agreements to intimacy and commitment, regardless of relationship type.
- Research involving 229 gay men found that breaking agreed relationship rules was associated with lower relationship quality.
- An open relationship is not automatically a less committed relationship, and monogamy does not automatically eliminate jealousy.
Two men have been together for seven years. They share an apartment, celebrate anniversaries, support each other’s careers and consider themselves life partners. Yet they occasionally have sex with other men, with rules both partners have agreed upon.
Another couple has been together for the same length of time. They are sexually exclusive, but one partner becomes anxious whenever the other receives attention from an attractive stranger.
Which relationship is more secure? Which couple is more likely to experience jealousy? And does sexual exclusivity actually predict relationship satisfaction? These questions challenge one of the most familiar assumptions about romantic commitment: that having sex exclusively with one partner necessarily creates greater emotional security.
Research involving gay male couples presents a more complicated picture. Some men build satisfying relationships around strict monogamy. Others establish boundaries that permit sexual experiences outside the primary partnership. Still others allow occasional encounters together but not separately.
What distinguishes these relationships is not simply the number of sexual partners involved. The agreements couples make, the expectations they share and their willingness to respect those boundaries can matter enormously.
The Study of 161 Gay Couples That Challenged Expectations About Jealousy
A study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, titled “Non-monogamy and Sexual Relationship Quality Among Same-Sex Male Couples,” examined data from both partners in 161 gay male couples, representing 322 individuals.
Researchers investigated four aspects of sexual relationship quality: sexual satisfaction, communication about sex, sexual jealousy and whether the primary partners had sex at least once a week. The couples were divided into four categories according to their relationship arrangements.
| Relationship arrangement | Share of couples |
|---|---|
| Monogamous | 52.8% |
| Open | 13.0% |
| Monogamish | 14.9% |
| Discrepant agreements | 19.3% |
The results were particularly interesting because the researchers found no statistically significant association between relationship arrangement and sexual satisfaction, sexual communication or frequency of sex.
However, one measure did differ: men in monogamous relationships reported significantly higher levels of sexual jealousy.
That finding does not mean monogamy causes jealousy or that open relationships automatically make people emotionally secure. The research was observational, and it cannot establish which arrangement produces better outcomes for any individual couple. Nevertheless, it challenges the idea that allowing outside sexual encounters must inevitably create more jealousy.
Four Relationship Models: What Do Gay Couples Actually Agree To?
The distinction between monogamy and non-monogamy is often presented as a simple choice. In reality, gay male couples may establish considerably more varied arrangements.
Monogamous Relationships: Sexual Exclusivity as a Shared Commitment
In a monogamous relationship, both partners agree that sexual activity with other people is outside the boundaries of their partnership. For some gay men, exclusivity creates emotional security. It reinforces the feeling that sexual intimacy is something reserved for the relationship and provides a clear definition of fidelity.
Monogamy can be deeply satisfying when both partners genuinely want it. Problems may emerge when exclusivity is assumed rather than discussed, or when one partner agrees to it primarily because they fear losing the relationship.
Jealousy can still occur. A monogamous partner may feel threatened by flirtation, emotional closeness with another man or the possibility of infidelity, even when no agreement has been broken.
Open Relationships: Sexual Freedom Within Agreed Boundaries
Open relationships permit some sexual activity with people outside the primary partnership. But open does not necessarily mean unrestricted.
One couple may allow casual encounters only while travelling. Another may permit outside sex but prohibit repeat partners. A third may require advance discussion or disclosure afterward. These examples illustrate possible arrangements rather than universal rules. Each couple must determine what openness means for them.
Importantly, permission to have sex with another person does not automatically include permission to develop a second romantic relationship. For many couples, the distinction between sexual experiences and emotional commitments becomes central to their agreements.
Monogamish Relationships: Limited Exceptions to Exclusivity
The term monogamish is commonly used for relationships that are primarily sexually exclusive but permit certain exceptions. Some couples allow occasional threesomes while remaining exclusive at other times. Others agree to specific experiences under narrowly defined circumstances.
The attraction of this model lies in combining a strong sense of partnership with limited sexual flexibility. However, the arrangement still requires mutual agreement. A situation that feels exciting to one partner may feel uncomfortable or threatening to the other.
Discrepant Agreements: When Partners Are Not on the Same Page
One of the most revealing categories in the 161-couple study was discrepant agreements, accounting for 19.3% of the sample. This category reflects couples whose partners reported differing understandings of their sexual arrangement. That is an important distinction. A disagreement about what the rules are is not the same as a mutually negotiated open relationship.
One man may believe occasional outside sex is acceptable, while his partner believes the relationship is exclusive. Another couple may have discussed openness without reaching a shared understanding of the boundaries. Such differences can create uncertainty even before a specific incident occurs.
Why Might Monogamous Gay Men Report More Sexual Jealousy?
The study’s most provocative finding raises an obvious question: Why would men in sexually exclusive relationships report greater jealousy? There is no single proven explanation, but several possibilities deserve consideration.
- First, men who experience greater jealousy may be more likely to prefer monogamy in the first place. In that case, jealousy could influence relationship choice rather than result from it.
- Second, couples who choose consensual non-monogamy may have already discussed attraction to other people, negotiated boundaries and developed ways of managing uncomfortable emotions.
- Third, partners who find outside sexual activity particularly distressing may be less likely to enter an open relationship at all. These possibilities illustrate a crucial limitation: the study identified an association, not a causal explanation.
It would therefore be misleading to claim that opening a relationship reduces jealousy. The evidence supports a narrower but still interesting conclusion: sexual exclusivity was not associated with lower jealousy in this particular sample.
Jealousy also takes different forms. Someone may feel relatively comfortable with a partner having casual sex but become deeply distressed if that partner develops a romantic attachment elsewhere. The distinction between sexual jealousy and emotional jealousy can be more important than a simple comparison between monogamy and openness.
A Survey of 772 Gay Men: Intimacy and Commitment Matter Across Relationship Types
Another study, conducted by researcher Warwick Hosking, examined 772 Australian gay men in relationships. The research compared satisfaction with three types of sexual agreements: closed, monogamish and open.
Its central finding was that greater intimacy and commitment were positively associated with satisfaction with sexual agreements across all three arrangements. The relationships between agreement satisfaction and other factors, including jealousy, sexual satisfaction and attitudes toward monogamy, varied according to agreement type.
This suggests that a relationship agreement cannot be evaluated independently of the people who make it. A man who strongly values sexual exclusivity may find an open arrangement emotionally distressing, even if his partner considers it liberating.
Conversely, someone who values sexual flexibility may feel more comfortable in a relationship where expectations are explicitly negotiated. Neither preference is inherently more mature, more progressive or more loving. What matters is whether both partners genuinely accept the arrangement and whether it supports their sense of intimacy and commitment.
The Difference Between an Open Relationship and Cheating
One of the biggest misconceptions about consensual non-monogamy is that it eliminates the possibility of infidelity. It does not. Infidelity is not defined solely by having sex with someone outside the relationship. It can also involve violating the boundaries partners have agreed upon.
Consider two hypothetical situations. In the first, a couple agrees that either partner may occasionally have sex with other men, provided they follow their agreed sexual-health precautions and communicate honestly. One partner follows those conditions. In the second, a couple agrees to exclusivity, but one partner secretly meets someone else.
The sexual activity may appear similar from the outside, but the relationship context is fundamentally different. A third situation is equally important: an open couple agrees that outside encounters must remain casual, but one partner conceals an ongoing romantic involvement. Even within an open relationship, secrecy and broken agreements can constitute betrayal.
A 2013 study of 229 gay men in romantic relationships examined relationship quality across different sexual agreements. The researchers found that men in open relationships reported less passion than men in monogamous or threesome-only arrangements, but not less intimacy or commitment.
They also found that breaking relationship rules was associated with lower overall relationship quality, regardless of agreement type. The finding suggests that respecting the relationship’s agreed boundaries may be more important than whether those boundaries permit outside sex.
Do Open Gay Couples Communicate Better?
There is a popular assumption that open relationships require exceptional communication skills. Certainly, couples negotiating outside sexual activity may need to discuss subjects that sexually exclusive partners can sometimes leave unspoken. These include sexual boundaries, disclosure, emotional attachment, sexual-health precautions and what happens when an agreement is broken.
However, research does not support a simple claim that open couples are universally better communicators. A study involving 395 male couples compared communication patterns in monogamous and open relationships.
Researchers found no significant differences in how explicitly couples discussed their sexual and safety agreements, nor in certain measures of avoidance and withholding communication. Interestingly, monogamous couples expressed more positive attitudes toward communication about sexual agreements.
Other findings were mixed. This challenges another stereotype: that monogamous couples avoid difficult conversations while open couples automatically possess superior communication skills. The existence of an agreement tells us little about how effectively partners discuss it.
A couple can have detailed rules and still struggle to communicate honestly. Another couple can be strictly monogamous and maintain exceptionally open conversations about attraction, jealousy and insecurity.
What Happens When One Partner Wants Openness and the Other Does Not?
Some of the most difficult situations arise when partners want fundamentally different relationships. Imagine a couple who have been together for ten years. One man begins expressing interest in occasional sexual experiences outside the relationship. His partner considers exclusivity essential to their commitment.
Neither preference automatically makes either man unreasonable. But a relationship cannot become consensually non-monogamous through pressure, resignation or fear of abandonment. If one partner reluctantly accepts an arrangement to prevent a breakup, the agreement may exist formally without reflecting genuine comfort or consent.
The opposite situation can also create conflict. A couple may begin with an open agreement, but one partner later discovers that he wants exclusivity. Relationship boundaries are not permanent contracts that can never be reconsidered. Partners may need to revisit them as their feelings, circumstances and priorities change.
Research involving 142 gay male couples found that couples in which both partners reported adhering to their sexual agreement were more likely to report relationship satisfaction, trust and positive perceptions of their partner. Although the findings were correlational, they reinforce the importance of a shared understanding of the relationship.
Are Open Gay Relationships Less Passionate?
The 2013 study of 229 gay men offers a particularly interesting distinction between passion, intimacy and commitment. Open relationships were associated with lower reported passion compared with monogamous or threesome-only arrangements. Yet they were not associated with lower intimacy or commitment. These dimensions are related, but they are not identical.
- Passion concerns desire, attraction and romantic or sexual excitement.
- Intimacy concerns emotional closeness, understanding and the ability to be vulnerable with a partner.
- Commitment concerns the intention to maintain the relationship and invest in its future.
A couple may feel deeply committed while experiencing changes in sexual desire. Another may have intense chemistry without developing long-term emotional security. The research does not establish that openness reduces passion. It does, however, show why sexual excitement alone is an incomplete measure of relationship quality.
For some gay men, an open relationship may coexist with strong emotional intimacy. For others, monogamy may provide the conditions under which passion and security feel most compatible. The relevant question is not which model should work for everyone, but which arrangement allows both partners to feel desired, respected and secure.
What the Research Actually Shows
Several studies point toward a consistent conclusion: the quality of a gay male relationship cannot be determined simply by whether it is sexually exclusive.
| Study | Participants | Main finding |
|---|---|---|
| Non-monogamy and sexual relationship quality | 161 gay couples | Higher sexual jealousy among monogamous men; no significant differences in sexual satisfaction, communication or sex frequency |
| Australian sexual agreement satisfaction | 772 gay men | Intimacy and commitment positively associated with agreement satisfaction across all three agreement types |
| Relationship agreements and rule-breaking | 229 gay men | Breaking rules associated with lower relationship quality |
| Communication patterns | 395 male couples | Several communication measures did not significantly differ between open and monogamous couples |
| Sexual agreement concordance | 142 gay couples | Agreement adherence associated with relationship satisfaction and trust |
These findings should be interpreted in context. The studies used different samples, definitions and measurements, and many relied on self-reported, observational data. They do not establish that open relationships are better than monogamous ones, or vice versa. Instead, they reveal how much can be missed when relationships are judged by sexual exclusivity alone.
Five Questions That Matter More Than the Relationship Label
Whether a gay couple is monogamous, monogamish or openly non-monogamous, the research points toward several questions worth discussing.
- Do both partners genuinely want the same arrangement? Agreement is meaningful only when both people understand and accept it without coercion.
- What exactly counts as crossing a boundary? Casual sex, repeated encounters, romantic attachment, private messaging and disclosure may carry different meanings for different couples.
- How will jealousy be handled? Feeling jealous does not automatically mean a relationship has failed. The important question is whether partners can discuss insecurity without punishment or dismissal.
- What happens when an agreement is broken? Accountability, disclosure and the possibility of renegotiating boundaries matter regardless of whether the relationship is open or closed.
- Does the arrangement support intimacy between the primary partners? Sexual freedom or exclusivity should not become a substitute for emotional connection, mutual respect and honest communication.
These questions do not guarantee a successful relationship. But they focus attention on the factors couples can actually discuss and negotiate.
Conclusion: Is Monogamy Really Less Jealous?
The research offers a surprising answer: not necessarily. In a study of 161 gay male couples, men in monogamous relationships reported significantly higher sexual jealousy, while sexual satisfaction, communication and frequency of sex did not significantly differ across relationship arrangements.
Other studies suggest that intimacy, commitment, trust and adherence to mutually understood agreements are closely connected to relationship quality. The evidence does not crown open relationships as superior, nor does it undermine the value of monogamy. Both can support meaningful, lasting partnerships.
Perhaps the most important distinction is not between couples who have sex exclusively with each other and those who do not. It is between relationships built on shared expectations and relationships in which one or both partners cannot trust the boundaries they have agreed upon.
Cosmic Highlights
FAQ
Are gay men in open relationships less jealous than monogamous gay men?
A study involving 161 gay male couples found significantly higher sexual jealousy among men in monogamous relationships. However, the study did not establish that opening a relationship reduces jealousy, and its findings should not be generalized to every gay couple.
Are open gay relationships less satisfying?
Not necessarily. Several studies have found no significant differences in certain satisfaction measures between open and monogamous gay male couples. Satisfaction also depends on intimacy, commitment, communication and whether both partners accept their relationship agreement.
What is the difference between an open and a monogamish relationship?
An open relationship generally permits agreed sexual experiences outside the primary partnership. A monogamish relationship allows more limited exceptions, sometimes including experiences with a third person together. Definitions vary between couples.
Can cheating happen in an open gay relationship?
Yes. Consensual non-monogamy still involves boundaries. Secretly violating agreed conditions, concealing prohibited encounters or breaking disclosure agreements can constitute betrayal.
Do open gay couples communicate better than monogamous couples?
Not automatically. Research involving 395 male couples found similarities across several communication measures, including how explicitly partners discussed their sexual agreements.
What matters most in a successful gay relationship?
Research highlights the importance of intimacy, commitment, trust, relationship satisfaction and mutual understanding of sexual agreements. No single relationship model guarantees these qualities.
Research References
- Non-monogamy and Sexual Relationship Quality Among Same-Sex Male Couples. Archives of Sexual Behavior. PubMed
- Hosking, W. Australian Gay Men’s Satisfaction With Sexual Agreements: The Roles of Relationship Quality, Jealousy, and Monogamy Attitudes. Archives of Sexual Behavior. PubMed
- Hosking, W. Agreements About Extra-Dyadic Sex in Gay Men’s Relationships: Exploring Differences in Relationship Quality by Agreement Type and Rule-Breaking Behavior. Journal of Homosexuality, 2013. PubMed
- Communication Patterns Among Male Couples With Open and Monogamous Agreements. Archives of Sexual Behavior. Full study
- Relationship Factors Associated With Gay Male Couples’ Concordance on Aspects of Their Sexual Agreements. AIDS and Behavior. Full study
